I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i out mim tonsoeep
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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