life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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