party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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