Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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