No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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