420 ftw
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
