we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
