I cannot find my penis.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
