I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
