Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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