They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
