mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
