literally had 100 drinks last night.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
