we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He? As in you personified your dick?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
