Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've blown a few things in my day
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
