hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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