This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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