I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
