I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
