I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
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Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
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I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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