Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
