there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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