The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we're making bets on your personal life
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
