im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
