you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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