My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
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I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
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We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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