In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
