Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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