I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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