If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
