so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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