i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He passed out mid-signature
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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