I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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