I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
