i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
