it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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