When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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