I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well I just put wine in my tea
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
