No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
