I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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