no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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