I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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