I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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