Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
