I just cut my nipple shaving
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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