i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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