I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
