So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
