i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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