but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Found your dick twin last night
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
