so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
They have beer where we have blood.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
