i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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