On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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