I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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