my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
