We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.