I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off