i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
