I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
this will be a night to untag.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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