My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
