Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
