How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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