Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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