Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
