no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
