shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
